Pickled Peaches
by Ferdykins
Summary: A later sequel to 'Red Hot Peaches.' Anything can happen in Smallville when Peaches is around. Rated Adult for language, and adult situations. Not necessary to read the original, but you might have fun doing so.
1. Chapter 1

If there's one thing that Lois is certain of, after the night she just had, what she doesn't need is a six-foot tall drink of water leaning up against her counter.

"I already took down the espresso machine," Lois says, throwing the dirty cloth to the counter.

Lex checks his watch, "It's only 8:55. The Talon closes at nine."

Lois surveys the empty coffee house. True, the reason it's empty is because she chased the last few patrons out the door. The last guys that had been there recognized her from earlier in the summer and called her a nickname that had quite frankly become a big stick in her craw. But, the fact is that the shop is empty, and she'll be darned if she's going to sit there another five minutes just to serve Richie Rich a drink.

"Mmm, sorry you weren't able to make it here within the last fourteen hours when we were actually serving coffee," Lois says, pushing past him, her long ponytail swinging behind her.

"With an attitude like that, I can't imagine why business would be so slow," Lex says, his keen eyes following her.

"It's the dog days of summer, Lex. Perhaps a hot cup of joe isn't exactly how small town Kansas wants to chase down a day's work in the fields," she says as she turns the lock on the door.

"It's 8:56," Lex says without checking his watch.

"And yet, it's closing time," Lois smirks as she flips the closed sign around. "Imagine that."

"I'm sensing some tension between us," Lex says, a slight smile creeping across his lips.

"The only thing that's going to be between us is some miles as soon as I can get the heck out of here," she says, switching off the lights.

"If we're going to occupy the same town together..." Lex starts.

"I'm not happy about occupying the same planet with you," she finishes.

"You and I are going to have to work out our differences," Lex says with a grin.

"Work them out?" Lois asks. "What exactly do you have in mind?"

**X x X x X x X**

Beads of sweat drip down from Lex's smooth head trickling down his chest, moistening his designer shirt in all the right places. Lois's eyes lock with his, making him feel he cannot blink, the heat gliding through his body, causing every extremity of his to tingle.

Letting his eyes fall for a moment, he catches a bead of sweat trailing down her chest, entering the dark valley edged with lace. For once he's happy that he's wearing silk pants, otherwise his legs would surely be sticking to the cheap artificial leather booth.

Snapped out of his thoughts by her firm grip on his collar, he brings his eyes back to hers, quickly licking away the evidence of his lust from the corner of his mouth.

"Need a bib?" Lois asks, pushing him back into his seat. "Let's keep our eyes off the prize and on the ball, okay?"

Lex leans back wiping his brow all the way to the crown of his head. He eyes the shot glass laid before him and hesitates slightly.

"What's the matter rich boy," Lois smirks from across the table, "scared?" She picks up the shot glass and throws the warm bourbon down the back of her throat, licks her lips, then turns the glass over and slams it down on the table.

"That's ten. You're starting to look a little pekid there, Mr. Loothor," she says mocking his prestigious name a bit.

When Lois suggested the drinking contest, Lex had thought she was going to be an easy mark; under the table after three or four shots. He's amazed she has lasted to ten.

However much he had misjudged her, he is also confident she had done the same. Despite all of her tauntings and trash talk, Lex is sweating only because Lois prematurely shut off the air conditioner, not because the alcohol is fazing him in the least.

Keeping his green eyes locked on hers, he pours two more shots and downs them consecutively, letting out a satisfied "Ahhhh," as the bourbon scented breath escapes his lips. Grabbing the bottle by the neck he licks his lips appreciatively, saying, "damn, that's tasty. I think I may just have another." The liquor beginning to make him lose some polish, he takes his next shot straight from the bottle.

"Thirteen, eh?" Lois sneers, "That's my lucky number." Snatching the bottle out of his grasp, she swigs down enough alcohol to put her shot count way past twenty.

"The Talon doesn't have a liquor license, Miss Lane," Lex begins, his tongue starting to slur a bit around the letter 'L.' "Where'd you find the alcohol?"

"I keep it hidden behind the coffee filters for after hours, our boss is a bit of a tight ass," Lois says, full well knowing it's Lex who signs her paychecks. "Speaking of tight ones, are you trying to squeeze your way out of this situation?"

The word 'tight' lingers in the air, making Lex's mind drift once again off the game. Needing to quench the thirst building within, he picks back up the bottle, nursing it with two hands, allowing his cheeks to fill with the hot liquid before letting it slide down his throat.

Pissed that he is hogging the best liquor in her stash, she leans across the table snatching it back. "Don't bogart that bottle, Baldy."

Reaching over and grabbing a straw, she pours herself another shot, blowing bubbles in it before slurping it down.

"Baldy?" Lex asks, "Have you always been a bitch?"

"Did you ever have hair?" Lois asks, taking another hit off of the booze.

Lex appears to sober up, not taking kindly to the insult.

Lois doesn't back off, instead she grabs her own ponytail and swings it into her mouth to munch on.

Lex's eyes narrow, as if he's ready to fight, but instead spews spit out all over the table, cackling a drunken laugh.

Lois spits her own hair out of her mouth, joining him in the outburst.

Low to the table, Lex grabs the bottle and shakes it, "This...this is some really good shhhtuff."

"No," Lois corrects him, "this is grade-A shit," they share a laugh again, both smacking their palms against the table.

Lex hushes them down, gesturing with his finger to draw in closer conspiratorially.

"Shit? This isn't shit," Lex slurs using grand hand gestures. "I have the best shit in town back at the mansion," he says poking himself in the chest.

Joining him in his conspiracy, Lois whispers, "By shit, do you mean doobage?"

"I do," Lex answers.


	2. Chapter 2

"Do you mean hydroponic pot?" Lois asks, widening her eyes, giddy at the prospect of lighting up.

"My pot kicks hydroponic pot's ass," Lex boasts, his olive eyes sparkling.

Lois cracks up, throwing her head to the table, her ponytail smacking him across the face.

"Where is it?" Lois asks hungrily.

"I told you. Back at the mansion," he answers.

"That far? I don't want to go that far," Lois whines. "Don't you have someone who can go get it for us? I mean, you pay someone to wipe your butt, don't you?"

Lex loses it, dropping his shot glass which shatters against the tile. They both look down at it, worried.

Lois starts snapping her fingers, "Jeeves! Come clean this up!" She laughs until she snorts.

"Jesus! What are you? A pig?" Lex asks. "Come on, let's go get the pot!"

"It's too far!" Lois whines.

"I have one of my Porsches!" Lex remembers suddenly, feeling as if he just conjured the theory of relativity.

"We can't drive, we're drunk," she reminds him.

"We need someone to drive for us," Lex contemplates. "Hey, we can get Lana to drive us."

"No good, Pinky's not home," Lois sits back, racking her brain. "Hey! Clark's a goody goody, I bet he's not drunk."

"But he's at his farm," Lex says, "He's not here."

"We can go drive to get him, and then make him drive us to your mansion. That way, we only have to drive halfway there," Lois brainstorms.

"But, his farm's further away then the mansion," Lex remembers, "so, why aren't we just driving to my place?"

"Silly, we can't drive there because we're drunk. That's why we need Clark."

Lex turns the logic over in his head.

"Okay, that makes sense."

Lois and Lex stumble to the curb where Lex's Porsche is parked. Before leaving the Talon, they raided the rest of Lois's stash of booze, with three bottles each tucked under their arms.

"Where's the driver?" Lois asks, momentarily forgetting their plan.

"I don't have one," Lex tells her.

"You have a butt wiper but not a driver?" Lois can't wrap her mind around the concept.

"That's why we're going to get Clark," Lex says.

"To wipe your butt?" Lois asks, still not caught up.

"No, to drive," Lex groans, getting impatient.

"Right! I got it!" Lois catches back up. "So, what are we doing again?"

"We're driving to the Kents," Lex replants the idea in her head.

"Right, but we gotta get the booze into the back seat," Lois thinks aloud.

They both stare at the car, perplexed at how to get the bottles of liquor into the Porsche. They look at each other, and then back at the backseat.

"Here," Lois offers up her share of the boozy bounty, "hold these a second." She reaches into her jeans pocket and pulls out a pocket knife.

"What else you got in there?" Lex asks.

"Buy me a few more drinks and I'll show you," she responds. Lex laughs so hard he almost drops all of his bottles.

Lois pulls out the blade, plunges it into the top of Lex's rag-top and opens a hole over the back seat.

"That's a great idea!" Lex actually thinks. He takes a bottle, dropping it through the slit. The bottle drops safely onto the back seat.

"You're a genius!" Lex exclaims, dropping the rest of the bottles in, never noticing that when they start piling up, they start breaking.

Lois pulls open the unlocked driver's door.

"Why didn't we just put the bottles in through the door?" Lex has to ask.

"Because you only bought a two door. It doesn't have a door to the back seat," Lois smacks him on the arm like he's a dope.

"Well it might not have four doors, but it has a kick ass mp3 player," Lex says jumping in the car. "Oooohh! Do you like the Bee Gees?" he asks, practically on the verge of squealing.

"Uh un," Lois says, snatching him out of the drivers seat. "Momma's driving this rig."

Lex climbs into the passenger's seat just in time to see Lois turn off his beloved music.

"Hey! What happened to the tunes?" Lex asks, frantically pressing buttons on his stereo, "We gotta have toooons!"

The shuffle option churns up iYou and Me/i by Lifehouse. "What kind of loser listens to this crap?" she says, switching the stereo back off.

"Hey," Lois notices, "There's two brake pedals down there!"

"One's just the clutch, it won't hurt you," Lex tells her. "Just pet it with your foot."

She laughs hysterically, then reaches up and rubs Lex's head. "I can pet your head with my foot, too," she says trying to slide her boot off.

"No, you need your feet to drive," he says, trying to teach her.

"That's right," she pressing both feet hard against the pedals, waiting for something to happen.

"You do know how to drive stick, don't you?" Lex asks.

Lois screams as serious as death, "Don't get fresh with me!" She says, finally combining the use of the clutch with the gear shift, able to switch into first. Then, calming right back down, she confirms "Of course I drive stick. I can drive any stick you got."

They chug down the main drag of Smallville in first gear, the engine revving loudly as they barely make it to the stop sign.

"Your car is a piece of crap," Lois says, jamming down on the clutch trying to make the car speed up.

"It used to go faster, I even hit somebody with one of these before."

Lois bursts out laughing, knowing she can one up him. "I hit a dog one time with my car. Stupid thing lived though," she says disappointed.


	3. Chapter 3

"I think the car is angry," Lex remarks about the grinding gears under Lois's operation.

"Why would the car hate me? I'm a very soft person, usually," Lois responds.

"It's growling at you."

"It's probably growling because it realizes what a piece of crap it is," Lois says.

"Do you have any idea how much I spent on this car?" Lex asks.

"Do you?" Lois just has to know.

Lex rolls the question around in his head for a second, and then laughs because, "You know, I don't. I have no idea how much it cost."

"You are a spoiled baby, do you know that?" Lois asks him, laughing as well.

"I am! I'm a spoiled little brat!" Lex exclaims. "I have no idea how much things cost."

"How much does milk cost at the supermarket?" Lois quizzes him.

"You buy milk? I thought it came free from cows!" Lex howls, probably poking a little fun at himself.

"You have cows at the mansion?" Lois inquires.

"No, but we should. I could buy some cows to get free milk. I don't care how much they cost. Speaking of cows, how much longer until we get to Clark's?" Lex looks around, not recognizing the scenery at such low velocity.

"About four hours at this speed," Lois notices, her buzz noticeably dying. "Give me the instructions for this piece of crap car," she demands, motioning for the glove compartment.

"The instructions?" Lex asks, puzzled.

"You know, the directions," Lois pleads, not being able to find the word "manual".

"To the car?" Lex probes further. "Okay." He opens the glove compartment releasing a ziploc bag full of little white rolls.

"Hey!" Lex cheers, "Look what I found!"

"Yabba Dabba Doobies!" Lois squeals. "What are they doing in there?"

"Maybe they were sleeping," Lex whispers, petting the bag.

"Well wake 'em up," Lois says, pushing in the car lighter.

Lex's long fingers release the seal of the bag, pulling out a small joint that he looks at lovingly.

"Give me that," Lois says reaching out, snatching the roll from his hand. "I wanna see the dragon."

"The dragon?" he asks, lifting the bag to see if he missed something.

"The magic dragon," Lois laughs, igniting the paper with a flame. "Come on, Puff Daddy, Momma wants to fly."

Lex bursts out laughing, smacking his hand against the dash, spilling the contents of the bag all over the car.

"Don't let them run away!" Lois squeals, taking a drag off the weed.

As her lungs draw in the smoke, the small cab of the car is penetrated by the glow of green, the roll expelling a neon mist as she exhales.

Lex closes his eyes and breathes in deep the second hand smoke, grabbing for the joint.

"Wow!" Lois exclaims, pounding on the steering wheel. "How did this grass get so green?" she asks giddily.

"Because of the way it's grown," Lex explains and then takes a long drag.

"You grow your own pot?" she asks. "That's impressive. Especially having the balls to grow it right here in America's heartland."

"Well, I've got more than balls, I've gone one hell of a stash of miracle grow," he gloats, inhaling himself. "You'd be surprised by how much quality stuff is grown here in Kansas," he explains, his voice sounding like he's sucked in helium. "But, I don't grow this to sell. No, no, no. This is strictly a private stash."

"It's not like you need the money," Lois reminds him. "So, how do you grow it?"

"There was a time, a long time ago," Lex begins," when fire rained from the sky! God was angry! He wanted to smite us all!"

Lois is entranced by his story, as if he were a prophet preaching the truth of some drunken god.

"What was left behind were the glowing stones of life! And when you use those glowing stones of life as well, fertilizer you get...you get...a completely perfect high!"

"How did you discover what they do? The glowing stones of life?" she asks inhaling deep and holding it.

"My daddy bought a creamed corn factory, and he was trying to make the largest, creamiest corn in the whole world," Lex says wide-eyed, reaching for the joint.

"Your daddy?"

Lex thrusts his finger into Lois's face screaming, "Don't make fun of my Daddy! He's a brilliant man!"

Lois loses it, exhaling her smoke involuntarily as she can't contain her laughter.

"My daddy looks like a lion," Lex explains, then suddenly realizing, "I just got his name! LION-el. That's brilliant!"

"The car stopped!" Lois notices.

"Because, you stopped driving it."

"Why did I stop driving?" Lois asks, seriously not knowing the answer to her own question.

"I don't know. We could ask the Kent's mailbox here," Lex leans out the window and talks to the mailbox with the name "Kent" roughly painted on the side. "Excuse me Mailbox Kent. Why did we stop driving?"

The mailbox sits there dumbly.

"That mailbox has the same last name as Clark," Lois figures out all on her own.

They instantly look at each other, and as if a light bulb ignites over both of their heads they squeal, "Clark!"


	4. Chapter 4

Lois cradles Clark's sleeping head between her thighs.

"Wake up, Smallville," she says, ready to torment.

The weight of her body doesn't wake him, nor do her words in his ears.

Readjusting into the covers, Clark gently lets the name "Lana," escape his slumbering lips.

"Ewww...," Lois squeals, scooting herself further up his chest.

"Wake up!" she slaps, already annoyed.

Clark's eyes fly open, a look of sheer terror on his face.

"Wakey, wakey Clarkie," she says, an evil grin creeping across her lips. "I see Clark Jr, is sleeping in his tent tonight."

Sitting up he presses his hands on her shoulders, picking her up and off of him in one quick motion.

Adjusting himself in his pajama bottoms, he clears his throat uncomfortably.

"Lois?" he asks, still a little groggy from the unusual wake up. "What are you doing in here?"

"I'm the tooth fairy," she says, grabbing a joint out of her pocket, lighting it up with expert precision.

His eyes widen, "is that _pot_ you're smoking?"

She bursts out laughing, blowing out the green misty smoke in his direction.

Clark blinks at the smoke, tries to hold his breath to keep any of it from slipping down his throat into his lungs, but the second the smoke touches his skin he knows something is wrong. The smoke burns his skin ever so slightly; just a tingling, but enough to make him open his mouth enough for a little smoke to trickle past his lips.

Immediately it affects him. His shoulders slump, his stomach churns, his back tenses in an effort to stay erect; but it fails as his entire body turns to jelly. Clark throws his arm back to keep from falling.

"I know," Lois smiles, "quite a rush, eh?"

**X x X x X x**

Lex stands in the light pouring from the refrigerator, both it and the freezer door wide open. His bald head buried deep inside, he digs for tasty treasures. He emerges victorious, a Jell-O brand pudding pop in his grasp.

"I thought they stopped making these!" he exudes joy, swiping off the wrapping and letting the length of the pop slide between his wanting lips.

"This will go great with Fried Chicken," he deduces, rising his other hand to his mouth to gnaw a mouthful of meat from the cold chicken breast he'd previously obtained from the refrigerator. Then with his mouth still full of succulent chicken, he licks the pudding pop from tip to stick.

"I love breasts, but not as much as I love pudding."

"Oooooh, do you know what would be excellent! Cold chicken dipped in pudding and then frozen into a pop," Lex brainstorms, "I should market that!" He even devises a business plan for the venture starting with, "I need to start a food division, then I can market it." Brainstorming further, "I could change the direction of the entire company. Instead of LuthorCorp, it could be LuthorFoods. Or LuthorPops! Yeah, LuthorPops!" he grows more excited by the idea.

"Isn't that a great idea," he says turning to an empty room. He quickly realizes that there's not a soul around to hear his idea. "I've gotta find Clark. He needs to suck on this."

Lex charges up the stairs to find his friend. Once at the top he sneaks a peak back down the length of the stairs, and their long journey back to the ground. Vertigo immediately grips him.

"Whoa, that's a long way down," Lex notices, his knees shaking violently. He drops his chicken breast to the ground so his one hand can grip the railing for stability. Of course, he doesn't even consider dropping the pudding pop.

Taking a tentative step, he concludes that it may be best to find surer footing on all fours, rather than his wobbly little legs. After planting both hands and both knees against the wood flooring, Lex crawls down the hallway in the direction he's just sure his best friend's room is.

He spies a door with a flickering light skipping against the floor under the door. Like a moth to the flame, he chases it, crawling along the floor to the end of the hall.

Ever so faintly, Lex can hear heavy breathing. He stops, but then a wicked smile creeps across his face.

"Lois," Lex giggles, "You saucy little minx."

Compelled to see more he stalks up to the door, which he notices isn't shut as tightly as it would need to be to keep peeping-toms at bay. With his index finger extended he pokes at the door until it slides open a sliver.

Lex's eye peers through the slitted opening, and he sees a candle on a bedstand, flickering. The sounds of panting and kissing unmistakable now.

With his extended finger, he pokes the door open a little further until he can see the two forms wrapped together between the sheets.

A leering smile finds its way across Lex's cheeks. The pudding pop in his hand melts gooey drops of pudding to his fingers.

"Why, what a saucy little minx _you_ are," Lex declares, "Mrs. Kent."

**X x X x X x**

"Lois, you can't bring that into my parent's house," Clark proclaims, pressing his hand against his stomach that seems to be doing summersaults.

"It's a farm," Lois defends herself.

"Which grows corn," Clark tells her, holding his breath as he watches her take a drag.

"Come on, your parents were teenagers in the sixties. I think they've done their fair share of this stuff," Lois tries her best to shock him.

"No they would not," Clark snaps. "Pot is illegal."

"Yeah, duh," she retorts. "Oh come on, Smallville. Why do you always have to be such a boy scout?"

"My Dad would never do anything illegal," Clark puts his dad on a pedestal.

**X x X x X x**

"Oh my god, Mr. Kent, that can't be legal in this state," Lex whispers, planted in the doorway to Ma and Pa Kent's bedroom, his junior high giggle interrupted by a pawing at his Italian loafers.

Lex cranes his head around to find Shelby directly behind him.

"Shhhh," he whispers, trying to quiet the dog, "I'm trying to watch the Kents do it." His eyes beam as if the dog not only understood what he was saying, but might want to join in watching the show.

Shelby paws at Lex's loafers a little more forcefully.

"I hope you're still not mad at me for those little experiments my people did on you," Lex says to the dog.

Shelby growls.

"Shelby!" Jonathan yells from inside the room.

"Forget the dog!" Martha moans.

Shelby paws at Lex's butt.

Lex suddenly realizes just how much of a prone position he's currently occupying.

"Ooooh," Lex's eyes fly wide, "I hope you've been fixed."

Shelby licks her lips.

**X x X x X x**

"Good grief, Clark, it's just a little weed, no reason to get all emotional about it," Lois says, the small town stick in the mud beginning to ruin her buzz.

Having never been in the presence of an isotropic substance, Clark didn't realize it would affect him this way, like kryptonite does. But, this isn't kryptonite, at least he doesn't know that it is. He immediately thinks that Nancy Reagan was right, and he should just say no. But, it's hard to when Lois insisted on blowing it everywhere.

"You know, Smooth Scalp and I didn't come here for a lecture," she begins.

"Lex?" Clark asks, scared just where this night might be going.

"We came to party," Lois says, blowing a puff in Clark's face, making him fall back flat against the bed. Seizing her moment, she pounces like a cat, flinging her leg back over his body, straddling him like a stallion. A face up stallion with a gear shift.

"Jesus, Clark. I didn't come up here for fire wood," she bitches, man handling his man hood much to his discomfort.

He moans, unable to relieve himself of her hundred pound frame.

**X x X x X x**

Lex and Shelby stand off, both on all fours. Shelby advances a little.

Lex tries to draw his butt in. Sensing sweat on his forehead he raises his hand to wipe it away, instead smearing delicious pudding across his brow.

Shelby leaps, taking the full length of the pudding pop into his mouth and then triumphantly retreating from the scene.

"My pop!" Lex whispers, still keenly aware that the elder Kents are humping on the other side of the thin door.

Lex scampers down the hall after the dog who's retreating into another bedroom. He follows the dog in only to find Lois straddling Clark in a most compromising position.

"Dude," Lex's eyes light up at the sight of Clark, "did you know your parents are doing the same thing down the hall?"

Clark's eyes fly wide open, "My parents are doing pot?"

"No," Lex corrects him, "they're doing each other."

"What?" Clark genuinely doesn't get it.

"They're doing the deed. The proverbial 'it,'" Lex informs him.

Clark just blinks.

Lex, always trying to educate Clark explains, "He's sheathing his man-sword. They're doing the full body pleasure heave. The Vietnamese pole dance," he says, trying to keep a straight face.

Not getting the reaction he believes this news warrants, Lex continues with something a farmboy should understand, "Your dad is taking the log to the beaver."

"They're fucking," Lois slugs.

"And your mom's loving it!" Lex cackles.

Clark turns green, throwing his hand in front of his mouth, trying hard to hold in the chunks that have risen up in his throat.

"I wouldn't mind having those strong farmer's arms wrapped around my body," Lois offers up, arching her eyebrow.

Clark cringes at the barrage of images flooding his brain.

"Farmer's arms?" Lex asks, "What's wrong with the ones right there?" he points at Clark.

"These puny things," she lifts one up, the Kryto-pot smoke taking it's full effect on the boy making him completely weak. She drops the arm back limply to the bed, "he's a bit too soft for my taste."

"That's too bad. Besides, who said anything about Mr. Kent's arms being wrapped around her," Lex informs them.

"Lex!" Clark protests.

"Really?" Lois's curiosity is piqued.

"Let's just say he wasn't looking lovingly into her eyes," Lex grins.

"Enough!" Clark gags.

"Remind me to high five your mom next time I see her," Lois says, relishing Clark's discomfort way too much.

Having the attention span of a gnat, Lois finally notices the brown smudge across Lex's forehead.

"Who's ass you been crawling up, Shit face?" Lois asks, thoroughly disgusted.

Lex wipes the pudding from his brow, smells it, and then licks it.

"Oh yeah! I had the most brilliant idea!" Lex enthuses.

"What was it?" Lois asks.

"I don't know, but it was fucking brilliant!" They both smile and nod at eachother, mentally connecting through their baked states of mind.


End file.
